Tuesday, January 5, 2016

Broken Walls, Tears, and Joy

I can't put my finger on any one reason, but lately I find myself more easily moved to tears. Things just grab me and I feel so emotional.

Maybe it's because of so many changes throughout the year.

Maybe it's just that as I get older I want to hold onto things more.

Maybe God is showing me a little more of His heart for people. 

Whatever it is, I'm a little unsure what to think.

Tears don't usually come easy for me. I don't always show the emotion, because sometimes as tears well up in my eyes, they disperse and the feeling is gone. Sometimes they come pouring out but not for long. I've told myself I have to be strong, so I brace myself and end up holding a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders.

But slowly things are changing.

Maybe my walls are falling down, walls that I've hidden behind, walls that I've erected to insulate me from problems and experiences of others. I have a tendency to keep busy so that my mind doesn't dwell on any one thing too long.

Lately my heart seems more open to the heartache and longings of friends and family. I know my world has expanded because of the many friends I have made through online contacts. My eyes have been opened to more of what others have to deal with that is not pretty.

Even in my own family there have been things that I never thought would come about. But I know that God is still in control.

There are things God has called me to do in my position as a wife, a mother, a grandmother and a daughter.

Sometimes it is hard to do what I know needs to be done.

Sometimes I don't know what needs to be done and find myself overwhelmed and unsure.

Sometimes I dwell on the unknowing and feel almost in despair because I can't see any answers, but I'm learning to wait.

When I don't know how to pray or what to say, I know that God hears and knows my inmost thoughts and feelings. He comforts me in a way that settles me as I wait on Him. There is a peace I find in the midst of the struggles, the sadness, the heartbreak.

I can go forward in confidence with grace knowing that my God is with me.

The problems don't go away, but if I turn and face them rather than forget about or ignore, then maybe I'll make some progress and find my way through to the other side.

It is not easy to have hard conversations, to be real and authentic in our interactions with others. Meeting the problems headon may bring lots of tears, but maybe that is what is needed. Our hearts need to be softened. We/I need to love, to accept, to forgive as God has forgiven us.

My #oneword365 this year is OPEN. I believe God is calling me to be more open and accepting of whatever He brings into my life, not in a fatalistic way but with an air of expectancy.

There will be hurts and joys, disappointments and surprises, broken dreams and new horizons. Whatever happens I know that God will walk with me and give me strength. 

Life is not easy, but it can be filled with joy and beauty even through the trials.

I am excited to find out what God has in store for me this year as I continue to write, to art journal and use photography to capture and share my thoughts with you.

What about you? I'd love to hear your thoughts.

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