This morning started out peacefully enough. I woke up, checked emails, then went back to sleep for a little while. I felt pretty well rested when I finally did get up around 9:30. I know, that's pretty late but I've had some late nights recently and really needed the extra rest.
I warmed up some pancakes for breakfast, fixed some coffee and sat down to peruse facebook while I ate my breakfast. Then I ordered some birthday presents and decided it was time to get out to the goats to feed them and give them their last dose of penicillin.
That's when things went sour.
Usually I have no trouble because the two goats are pretty cooperative. I don't milk them any more, but bring them into the milking room, get them on the stand, and lock them in to give them their shots. This time Rayna did not want to get up there and did her best to stay off. I convinced her by showing her the food, and she jumped up.
|(Ava and Rayna)|
She had put her head so far forward in the stand that I couldn't get a good hold on the place to give the shot and ended up squirting it on her rather than in her. Then she wouldn't get off the stand or go back into the barn. I had to grab her collar and make her go back in. After that I didn't even try to get Ava on the stand. I just put their food in the feeder and got ready to give Ava her shot while she was eating. Arben, the very large dog, kept getting in the way bumping me and sniffing the syringe. I was just getting more frustrated so I yelled out, “I'm getting mad in here!” Finally I was able to give her the shot without any more trouble from her or Arben. I'm sure the whole thing would have been quite comical for anyone looking on.
I was glad that was over but I was still pretty frustrated and not very calm. As I was putting the plastic cap back on the needle before throwing it away I pricked my thumb. It didn't really hurt and didn't even bleed much, but that was just the proverbial straw to break the camel's back. I burst into the house and let everyone know that I was just tired of all this. I wanted the goats gone. I was not going to even try to give Rayna another shot to make up for the one that missed. I kept complaining as I washed my thumb and hoped there was not a trace of bacteria that would infect me. I knew I was over-reacting and I just felt tense and shaky. I had plans of things I wanted to do today and that episode just squashed my enthusiasm.
So I had some choices.
I could just keep being mad and feeling sorry for myself and make everybody around me miserable or I could try to change my attitude and not let that one thing destroy my whole day. My husband and one of my sons were the only ones around at the time and I apologized for my display of anger. Of course they were generous and kind to me and very understanding.
I went to my room, sat at the computer and lit my lavender candle, hoping it would help me relax and get a better perspective on things. Noticing that one of my daughters was online I began telling her about the episode and how frustrated I was. She joked about how those goats really were like having kids, and I agreed, but kids are much more lovable and can put their little arms around your neck and are so forgiving with all our mothering mistakes.
I am sharing all this with you to let you know that we all have our moments when things frustrate us enough to make us lose our tempers, put us in bad moods, make us want to go crawl into a hole or run away. I am not immune to these kinds of responses, but I do know that when they happen I don't have to dwell on them. I don't have to beat myself up because of my bad responses or reactions.
One of the hardest things I think is to forgive ourselves. We'd prefer sometimes to keep harping on how we messed up and how our day is ruined. We say that we believe God forgives us, but we continue to feel guilt or to feel sorry for ourselves and wonder what's the use of trying. It doesn't have to be that way.
We can offer ourselves grace, admit when we mess up, and start afresh right where we are.
That's what I want to do today. After spending time here writing and thinking and chatting with my daughter I feel much better. I am ready to tackle my plans, the first of which is to make some apple pies! What are your plans for the day?